Episode 81: It Tastes Like the Forest
John’s ongoing saga with his Atkins diet. His breath is terrible, and he’s only eating animals whose names he knows—the Portlandia diet. * John went to a Macklemore shoot to “snark,” the only reason to go to any event. He got into a public feud with a man who can no longer be considered young. * John's relationship to keys. * ~13:40: “I’m going through my closets—I have too many tuxedos." ** He has a midnight blue tuxedo, a standard black tuxedo, a “comedy" black tuxedo, a white dinner tux (for his many cruises), and second white dinner jacket. ** “If I don’t arrest this trajectory, I’m going to drown in tuxedos." * One could argue that walking six months in one direction is a kind of diet. ** Up until now, John had always preferred to feel like, “I am as god made me and throw what you have at me, and I will consume it. I will make poo out of anything." ** The whole reason John used to get up in the morning was to look forward to his nap in the afternoon. * Kindergarten font: “Its kind of a stylized Futura meets a stork" ** Co-op school nightmares: John wants to be on the board of directors to eliminate the other directors. His own personal Reichstag. ** Merlin is very reluctant to go gently into someone else’s night. * John rejects the idea of hiring a Dula, or finding a psychiatrist, or a mate. ** Organic farming as a mating ritual: "Once you and your partner have exhausted all of the episodic television and you are staring across the breakfast table at one another and contemplating being together for decades and you realize, like, ‘I don’t want to be like my parents, what are we going to do?' You embark upon a mutual project like starting a garden. Its a merry old time, but its really a way of stitching your relationship together—here are our values in bright red tape.” *** To John, as a bachelor, this feels like a prison activity. * John’s house looks like a hunting lodge where someone set off a grandma bomb. ** “Seven different mismatched paisley patterns is not a style, it is a mind riot." ** John bought 10 different copies of Huck Finn because he feared it would be banned, and he would be the last man to hand them out on the street. ** He also decorated his house with amplifiers. ** John accidentally owns several Yacht Club memorabilia * John asks people to salute him when they come into his house, like he’s the governor general in the Raj. * A big- head mascot made Merlin’s kids’ school cry. ** “Was the person autistic? Just bringing it around.” ref Ep 80 * Once, John and some neighborhood girls were playing “If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” when his mother came by with a wheelbarrow full of compost. Perhaps this is why he hates gardening.